disintegrate

rate

finally completed fate stay night.
the ending so sad.
the two who loved each another are separated.
y cant two ppl who loved each another be together??
hmm.. emiya shirou and saber...

emiya shirou said this:
I love Saber...
I want her to be happier than anyone...
I’ve been hoping that we could be together forever...
However...
If I really do love her, then that's wrong...
I loved, Saber, who bore many wounds, yet still fought through everything...
I cannot allow myself to stain her pride...

its so sacrificial. so touchingg...
their love is so strong for each another..!
will such things happen in reality? maybe not...
=XX

hmm. today was a good day!
yeah!
went to school in the morning at 1015 to do FYP.
then the technicians are finally here to get my equipment fixed!
hooray! this means lesser experimental error.
chiong anime there. watched abt 4 ep there. hee
completed 6 experiments and left sch at 245.
need to reach church office by 330 for bs.
i waited and waited then the bus only came at 310.
as usual, im late.
reached church office at 345.
bible study is also like a private chat with bro mj.
we talked abt various topics, and back to the most impt topic CELLGROUP!
God really placed a burden in me abt cg.
i really wanna impact the ppl ard me!
proper bs lesson started at 415.
hahaa. and rubez's bs is scheduled at 430.
so chiong ar!! within 20min, completed one and half lesson.
quite an achievement. bro mj was going so fast till i end up scribling on my bs book.
after that went to meet shiwei go walk walk.
was looking for a gift for someone but then they not selling le =XX
abit disappointed la. but nvm. hee.
then rubez joined us.
went to carl's junior to eat dinner. i n rubez shared ice lemon tea and some spicy beef cheese fries.
shiwei went to make her nails.
haha. i had my nails done free! whee!! =PP
home!

just now talked to samuel on the phone.
shall not reveal wad we discuss abt. but he's not doing very well.
will be praying for him.
thank God that he's coming back to church! praise the Lord.
im really glad that he actually decided to open up to me.
din noe that i made an impact in his life even before today.
im really surprised cos i din really do anythingg.
will be guiding him with his studies, to prepare him for his incoming N level exam.
try to help him in any way i can ba.
im making an impact on the different ppl's life.
really happy abt that. its really satisfying to noe that i can change ppl's life.!
thank God for all of that!!
hope i can make a difference in the ppl that are ard me.

in samuel, i c my old self.
rem bro mj told me that he shld thank jeff.
think i wanna thank jeff too.!
the first time i open up to bro mj was when i broke up with jeff.
bro mj said that if it wasnt for him, most prob i wont be toking to him now. i totally agree with that.
becos of jeff, im wad im now.
becos of jeff, im grown in my faith, and my walk with God.
and becos of him, im able to step out of my own world and walked into other's life.
so thank you jefferson! i owe u lotss. =DD

back to blog once again.
today was a short day i guess?
spent almost half the day in school doing FYP.
started at 1130 and we ended abt 515.
did abt 10runs today, and slacked quite abit too.
we listen to music, watch dvd, watch anime, surf net, and take photos!!!
haha. then after that me, jane, yvn, and deb took a cab down to cine there cos we needa attend some makeup course at shiseido.
on the way saw jeff at the bus stop then i sms him disturb him.
in the end kana suan by him say i very rich, forever taking cab =XX
haha. the interesting thing abt me and jeff is that we can nv tok to each another in school.
the only way we actually communicate is thru the great invention of the hp. SMS!
seeing each another is so paiseh. oso dunno y..
back to my makeup course.
went there to learn to put makeup.
haha. then i play with the makeup there and shape my eyebrows abit.
i feel weird in makeup la. cos my hair so punk then i put makeup will be like WAD THE??
but overall it still looked like ME! yeah!
course ended at abt 8. so we went to far east to eat waffle ice-cream.
very nice. my ice cream was SWISS CARAMEL CHOCOLATE! sweet sweet one.
went shopping for awhile. the thing i wanted to buy no more le.
acc yvn look at shoes and bag. then she bought one pair of slippers.
go c sunglasses. yvn bought one, deb bought two.
home!

holidays is for me to chiong anime de.
now following up with 3 anime.
bleach - ep 95
tsubasa chronicles - ep 41
fate stay night - ep 15
was toking to jia juz now abt fate stay night.
then he was telling me how much he love saber.
cos saber is so strong, yet gentle, demure and cute!!! =DD
as usual i disturb him. believe he'll find his saber soon!
heehee...... XP

ytd had bbq then most of us stay there till quite late.
quite nice. cos very windy.
then i sit at the sea there enjoy the sea breeze and watch the wave go up and down.
went rollerblading abit. too long nv play le. then end up abit scaryy.
overall the bbq was quite successful la. everything went quite well.
all of us left east coast at abt 1045.

today supposed to go to school to do FYP.
hahaa but i end up going to some biodiversity trip with shiwei and her school ppl. quite fun la.
then saw one familiar face. the both of us down there blur blur thinking where we meet before. hahaa... think his name is thomas ba.
end up till now i still dunno where i've seen him from. maybe singapore is juz too small.
will end up seeing all the familiar faces at different parts of this island!
after that went to west mall with shiwei.
ate mos burger.
she supposed to go back to school for some meetingg.
but i saiko her so in the end she nv go, and we went walking ard.
shiwei bought 2 sleeveless shirt. then i got a rubber band! hahaa...
reached home at abt 5. off to slp..

hmm im gonna start chionging this anime called 'fate stay night'.
dunno wad is that abt oso. but jia say is nice ask me go and watch..
now at episode 1! hahaa. dunno when im gonna finish watching it.

update update! hahaa..
ytd woke up at 11am. my normal wakeup time nowadays.
cos my normal slping time is allways abt 3am.
went to meet meiping, zhiyan, andrew, rubez to buy the bbq food.
then everyone was late!!!
somehow sometimes ppl dun haf sense of urgenty de.
maybe we juz needa priorize wad is most impt.
reach bro mj's hse at abt 3pm.
then rush down to expo to eat lunch at burger kingg.
ate mushroom swiss. its so fillingg..
go for svc. svc was good.
its abt how ppl shld treat their spouse, and their in-law.
after svc, go to expo foodcourt there eat.
i only eat dessert. hahaa.
nowadays always eating dessert.
muz be cos influenced by my darling! =DD

later going for cg then for bbq outreach at east coast.
yeah! pray everything will go well later!!! (^-^)v

hhaa. its late at nite.
and im here to blog rubbish cos im not asleep yet..
4am in the morningg
toking to isaac on the net now.
he came online at 345.
thats y im quite surprised!! hahaa..
and at this time of the day, there's still 14 ppl online.
not bad. must be all like me... night-owlss.
k la.i better go. otherwise later i'll be so tired!

under darling's request, im here to blog again.
yesterday, spent most of my day in school.
was in school from 1130 to 430pm. doing my FYP.
5hours of work! erm...
then i headed for kovan for my bs.
there's an outreach at paya lebar community centre.
spent some time toking to ppl, and some of them played pool
bro mj played with another guy, then he played so well.
so in the end bro mj is the winner.
after that went off with bro mj. spent some time toking to him.
toked to him abt certain ppl in the cg, bbq.
he need to go to angmokio for cell group then i went to meet shiwei at heartland mall.
we were like shopping there for some time.
tried some clothes and slippers.
really liked one slipper. but dun haf my size le. =((
shiwei bought slippers. and its pink, her fave colourr..
think that one is too ger for me! hhaaa.
went to kfc to eat dinner. then home sweet home.

today morning woke up at 8plus.
as usual, by jeff's sms. he likes to sms me at some really early time and wake me up.
then received darling's sms. she today sick so nv go to school.
think muz be cos of the kfc she ate ytd.
hope she's well alr. DARLING U MUZ TAKE CARE K!!!!
went back to slp till 11 then wake up.
watched anime the whole day.
tsubasa chronicles. nice and touching anime.
bro mj ask me to do the bbq thingy.
so gonna buy the food tml.
went bukit timah to eat dinner with my dad.
then i ate satay beehoon. couldnt finish.
my dad ate stingray.
haha. i like to go out with my dad.
after that bro mj call then ask me go outreach at west coast recreation centre.
at first my dad dun wanna let me go cos quite late le. about 815.
but in the end i manage to persuade him, so he sent me there.
reach there abt 830.
went to the bowling alley there look for bro mj. w384 was there oso.
knew a few new frenz. seekee, christina, janice.
seekee (accountacy) and janice (property) from SP de. year 1.
then christina (nursing) is from NYP.
bowling cost us $102.30. so expensive sia.
most of the ppl went to play pool.
bro mj and i left. acc him wait for bus then i went home le.
reached home at 1045.
thank God daddy nv say anythingg.

k la. i shall stop bloggin now. its almost 2am now.
playing minesweeper with shiwei.
determined to win her! ROARRR!!! =DD

im here to update again! ha. otherwise my darling will say i nv update de.
yesterday met up with shiwei in school.
then bought her to FC1 to go eat her lunch. or is it tea?
hahaa.but i only can watch her eat cos im fastingg!
so only can drink WATER! the saviour of the day!
whenever im fastingg, water always taste extremely good!
bopian gotta put it in this way, or else think i wont be able to fast for one day!
after that, continue to do practical for awhile, with shiwei stoning in the lab with me.
at 4pm, i finally decided to leave to go ps meet darlingg.
went to kfc to meet darlingg, help her in 2 a.maths question.
i really forgot almost all of wad i have learnt.sobb!
darlingg wear a black dress lorr.then very pretty!
then we realised something. all of us are in black ytd.
finish le acc darlingg go mrt station pass CL book to her member then she go off for bs le.
me and shiwei went back to ps and walk walk around wait for mr jefferson to reach.
shiwei bought a pink headphone at creative!
mr jefferson reached at 630. so i pangseh shiwei.
met him at sony erisson shop. kana say by him cos i told him pizza hut.
so he walked that area twice!
humphh he's late and i nv say anything yet kana say by him!
hahaa.went with him go buy guitar string at yamaha.
went creative again with him cos he wanna c sth.
feels so weird shopping with him. so abit diao!
finally went to have a sit at starbucks coffee there and tok tok.
the first meal of the day! ice-blended mocha!
its really filling lor!! ahh!
tok rubbish tok rubbish, then end up tok abt cg stuff.
jeff gonna be a cgl in 2months time. hmm.. not bad la!
and me?? hahahahhahahhaaaaa!
tok so much, yet in the end objectives not met!!! =XX
after stoning for one half hour.. went to meet shiwei again.darlingg gotta go home first.
walked to cine and shop abit, then headed to wisma.
went food republic to eat.
but i really got no appetite cos abit sian.
bought mua-ji (is it wads its called?) to eat.
its the first time i ate it crispy. and its not soft!! the peanuts dun stick to it somemore. -.-""
then destress bought dessert to eat. mango pudding.
ate for half an hour i guess?
thats the end of my day. went to take bus home.
the roadd home was really smooth. the moment i go to bus stop, the bus came.
reached home within 20min. from orchard to sunsetway in 20min hur? amazingg!!!

God really blessed me alot.
esp when it comes to buses. whenever i need a bus, it always stop right in front of me!
then ytd was praying in the bus. God spoke to me about two paragraphs.
the first one was in Song of Solomon. second one was in Psalms.
it spoke to the troubles that im going thru.
everytime im troubled, as i pray and speak to Him, i feel lightened!!
so thank God for everythingg!

hmm. now im quite stressed with the bbq outreach for this sunday.
we only got 5 frenz, contributed by 3 ppl.
wad is the rest of the cg doing?
bro mj is quite upset with this i think.
cos he ask me how. wad can we do to increase frenz.
wad is the problem? is it cos of the venue or time?
i seriously dunno how to answer him! sighh! =(
3more days left. so many things not done!!
objectives not really met. n239 muz jiayou le. =XX

now in school. supposed to be doing FYP.
quite boliao cos cant start. no TSO ard.
so have been stoning for one hour le.
think shiwei's gonna come later to my school acc me ba.
then going to watch her eat lunch.
today fastingg. but quite hungry.
last night when i noe is alr abt 1+am le.
so nv go and eat before i slp.
msg the whole cg at abt 2am..!
wonder how many of the cg ppl is going to fast today! erm...
k la.. shall end now..cos can start prac le!!

hmm. decided to change my blog add.
too many ppl noe abt my blog alr.
and this can really be quite irritating at times.
not sure how it actually spread so far.
not gonna look into it anyway.

had been thinking of certain stuff recently.
been quite troubled abt it i guess?
then im reminded of jia.
maybe he's right.
there's alot of things that cant be said. really gotta keep it to myself.
by saying it, it might get me into trouble and cos some commotion?
not very sure either.
i juz needa get it off my mind! arghh!!! this stupid feeling..
so many questions at the back of my head, yet no answers.!!!

today is quite an interesting day? hahaa..
got awaken by jeff's sms this morning. at 7plus?
yawn. both of us got abit pissed off cos discussing on some stuff.
but okie la. after a while everything turned out fine. ((:
hmm mr and mrs tandanu are in sg!
even lil brian is here.but guess i wont be able to meet him ba.
miss this cute lil 9 year old boy here.
sms till abt 9plus then i went back to slp again.
woke up again at 12plus. went to clementi to eat lunch with my dad.
realised that now even the foodcourt is 24hrs open.
paid my bills.
went home packed my room.
im so proud of myself. sweep the floor, pack my notes, etc.
shiwei came my house, then we left for northpoint to meet my darlingg.
not bad la. walk2 ard then today all of us went to try dress.
took 852, changed to 74 to go home.
im home quite early today. 10pm.

tml going to meet up with jeff tml to have a good talk.
haha. pray that it wont be like wad ishak said, end up quarreling.
ishak ask me to come out with a plan to wad to say tml.
sounds rather weird.but i realised i really dun haf anything in mind that im gonna say to him.
how lei? diee...
bleah. =X

this few weeks have been helping bro mj with the different activities that have happened and that is going to happen.
captainball, fireworks fellowship, prayer meeting, the upcoming bbq, etc...
thou im not a helper or anything, i finally understood how difficult it could be to be a helper in a cell group.
i respect carolyn, chenli, jeff, menny, ishak, all those cell group helpers.
its really not so easy to handle a cell group.
smsing and calling up the members.

last year i rem whenever any cell group member were to sms me, i would just choose to put them aside and not reply.
now i can actually feel how its like when u msg the whole cg and end up only like one or two of them replied.
how then m i supposed to answer to bro mj?
so end up gotta call them one by one.

its really a blessing to be able to serve God, and serve bro mj.
it really requires alot of passion. and its really not easy.
God strengthen me!!!
bring this unity in n239 like nv before!
may the hearts of n239 be linked together, and head towards the vision God placed in this cell group.
i pray for the understanding between all the members, that we will stand as one and not individuals.
AMEN~

hmm finally exams is over!
wad a relieve!
dun think i did well this time round, so its not something very happy.
yupp but guess there's really nothing i can do now.
so i shall stop thinking about it!
for those who are still fighting their way thru the exams, JIAYOU!!
i believe that u guys can do it de!! DUN GIVE UP!!!

ytd i dreamt of sth really funny!
guess who i dreamt of??? jefferson tandanu..
oso dunno y suddenly got this dream.
its quite scary la, and i pray that it wont happen in reality.
anyway most ppl always say dreams dun come thru in reality! =DD
in my dream, i saw jeff smoking!
im like so surprised and angry la. can u imagine that?
maybe its juz too much of andrew and his cigarattes that cause such a dream.
i really pray hard for jeff!
cos the frenz that he is mixing now are those that are smokers, and gamers!
hope that he'll not be affected by it.
maybe i shouldnt think so much ya?
cos Jesus oso ate with the tax collectors and the sinners.
and it is oso written in Matt 9:13.
"...For i did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentence..."
yup maybe he might even bring them to Christ.
who knows right?
all things are possible with God. XDD

there is someone that i have been thinking about alot recently and this ger is really someone important to me.
i have known her for a really long timee.
we are rather close friends and i hope i could make an impact in her life.
but somehow our views of things are really extreme.
its like either we hold the same view or we hold extremely opposite views.
though all these, we nv quarrelled abt anything thruout al this years.
i treasure her lotss.

awhile ago, i realised that she is going thru some problems.
but i really do not noe wad i could do to help her, and to get her out of her situation.
she gotta make her decision on something that might affect her future.
she doesnt really wan anyone to noe so im the only person that knew abt it.
this made me even more troubled, cos i couldnt tell anyone abt it, and ask others for advice.
moreover, she's really rather stubborn.
most of the time she'll only listen to the advices of others and yet not do anything.

God, wad am i supposed to do?
wad is it that i can do to help her?
she is really so afraid of getting hurt, and so afraid of how others c her.
give me the wisdom and the courage to speak to her.
i pray she'll be more open and take my advices.
i can only stand here as a fren to be there for her, and there is really nothing else i can do.
God bless this fren of mine and guide her path.
make her paths straight so that she could give the life that u wan her to lead.

today took mass transfer test.
tink i died for this module oso. sighh..
i dunno how come this sem all the exam papers like they increase the standard.
do we seem so smart to be able to problem solve questions that look so alien to us?
anyway its over so im not gonna think abt it anymore.
one more paper left! plant safety. another killer module.
pray that i'll do well for this final module.

after paper went to redhill with weitai and weijing
i only had pathetic $1.40.
then only can buy a bowl of dessert.
left redhill at abt 530 to go for bs with bro mj
bs supposed to start at 6 but i ended up being late for 10min.
think its really time i needa kick my bad habit of being late!!
i need to be more time conscious.
hee. bro mj brought me into the hall.
in the end oso dun haf bs. we tok abt cg stuff.
abt cg members, how we shld have outreach.
went to book seats even b4 the door open. *play cheat.

svc today, the praise and worship atmosphere not that bad.
but during the message the whole hall was so quiet.
dunno y, i couldnt really concentrate.
maybe cos im really very tired, and cos my dad kept calling me.
my dad today think gave me almost 30miss calls.
left expo at 11pm, managed to reach home at 1130.
got scolding and nagging from my dad.
but i didnt feel angry or frustrated. cos my dad really cares for me.
he's juz afraid that got bad things happen to me.
DADDY I LOVE YOU LOTS! =DD

mass transfer exam tml.
this im not so afraid. ha. at least it doesnt seem too unfamiliar to me as compared to process control.
last night i spend like one hour writing a letter to someone. haha. trying very hard to put the words in correct english.
and amazingly i wrote 3pages.
actually i dun really knew wad i wrote cos i decided not to read thru it before sending it out.
sent it out at abt 3am in the morning. think that person might only see it in the later part of the day or even a few days later.
ha. feel abit weird weird now cos i seriously dunno how that person will actually react to it.
going to see him tml i guess? so i think most prob i'll not even tok to him! haha...
hmm not going to think so much now la.
off to study!
bye bloggiee!! =DD

hmm. today took my first exam
process control really killed me!!
its really very very difficult.
i practically dunno how to do almost all the questions.
the impt points that my stupid lecturer told us to rem din come out.
not even one. sighh...
but thank God im not the only one that dunno how to do this paper.
almost my whole class feels the same too.
i juz pray that i'll pass this paper cos i really dun have the intention of failing it.

received my handphone bill today.
juz my singtel line is alr $200.
im so shocked when i saw the bill cos i haven been using that number for awhile.
studied thru the bill and i realise that its because i diverted my calls from one phone to another.
and all the diverted calls are charged at outgoing calls.
sighh so end up having to pay so much for my phone bills.
my dad is only gonna pay for me $25, which means i gotta settle $175 by myself.
then my M1 bill is alr $50, and my dad is only gonna pay $20 for me.
this means that i needa fork out another $30.
in the end i needa come out with $205 juz to pay for one month's handphone bills.
sobb.this is really like daylight robbery.
think i needa pay another round of money next month!!!!

had a bad day today!!!!
everything seem to come at the same time.
maybe i juz needa pray more ba, for God to make my paths straight..
=X

sighh.
im really feeling very stress now.
mainly is because i really have no confidence for my exam tml.
i think i really haven been spending alot of time studying.
looking at the past year exam papers, im really demoralised.
its like im staring at a stranger. nth seems very familiar to me.
my brain feels so empty! wad is PROCESS CONTROL??
this is the module that really kills most of the students in dche year3.
im not intending to fail it, neither do i have faith that i will pass.

juz talked to jia.
he told me that i shld not worry.
and that i needa believe and trust in the people ard me, the encouragement and all the good things they gave me becos they will not bluff me.
yeah maybe thats wad i really gotta do.
have faith in myself like how others haf faith in me!!!
i think i needa go and pray?
ask God for wisdom, confidence, strength, and everything i need to get thru this difficult period!!!

thank you darling
thank you jia
thank you shiwei
thank you zhiyan.
its really u guys that are always there to pull me out of my circumstances.
its u guys that are there to encouragement and help me thru this tough walk.
finally i give thanks to my faithful Lord!!! =DD

interesting things that happened within the past few weeks:

1. made a new fren clifford from UK.
2. won 2nd prize for captain ball.
3. saw riko at pastamania at parkway. jia waved to him w/o knowing who is he.
4. cheese fiesta for clifford, jia, andrew. finished 6bottles of cheese!
5. played table hockey with jia, rubez, clifford. jia is really good.
6. watched exciting match between simon and jia. *SCARY!!!
7. celebrated church 17th anniversary. had marche celebration.
8. went to watch fireworks with darling.
9. wanted to watch fireworks with cg, but end up we missed it!
10. went to airport to send clifford off. =X
11. bro mj bday! celebrated for him as a zone!
12. bought bro mj a belt and skin voucher! =DD

haha. din realise there's so many things!! yeah they will be memories then.

FIRST

I love because You first loved me
I live because of what You gave
You died, showed me how to live
Your mercy taught me to forgive

You came and poured Yourself so free
Your blood washed away my shame
And now I can live again
I'm more of You and less of me

My First Love
Forever You will be
My First Breath
You're the life in me
My First Joy
The world can never take from me
My covenant with You, Jesus

Your love falls down
Your love falls down
Your love falls down over me

i really like this song alot. and the real meaning behind it is really very touching. anyone that who have lost someone really close to them will be able to feel this song so close to their heart. but it's God that really took away our pain and gave us freedom. thank you Lord!!

woaH! its really been very long since i last blogged.
think abt 2weeks alr?
within this 2weeks so many things seem to happen.
many decisions are made, and so many things that are needed to be done.
but thank God everything turned out well.

really been enjoying myself too much i guess?
cos exams are round the corner and i haven really been studying.
2more days to exam! im really worried!

recently everyone have been very stressed up i guess.
esp for those poly students who are taking their exams in the next few days.
jia who is in the army, zy who is harding really hard.
but always rem that u guys are really not alone k.
once a while, give ourselves a break.
juz do the best that we can and dun bother of wad others think of us.
cos we are not living for them. we are only living for ourselves and for God.
lets really jiayou together as a whole.
yeah! i have faith in al of u. =DD