disintegrate

rate

was reading darling's blog on priorityy. was thinking of my priorityy...

my first priority is God!
second priority is the person i love.
third priority is my family.
fourth priority is my cg members and my friends.

hmm there are some ppl in my life that i'll not forget.
1. chenli (darling) - darling is someone that is always there for me. she is also the one that i shared most of my feelings to. she is like my teacher, super-patient, giving me advices when i needed. she is willing to be there for her friends, thou she might not be free. my so called shopping kaki. so darling must smile more.
2. jiahui (lil turtle) - turtle is my boss, and one of the most kelian person i think, cos he everytime will kana bully by me. the best thing is that he seldom get angry. then whenever i not free, he'll help me with my stuff. he's like my pillar, my support, someone that will listen me complain 24/7. so turtle must be strong! but its okie to b weak every now and then. continue sharing ba.
3. shiwei - shiwei is one of the longest friend that has been with me all this while. she's someone that will give her time to others, and concern abt the ppl ard her. she likes to smile alot, and this will make others' day. so shiwei gotta jiayou. continue bringing smiles onto other ppl's faces.
4. jane - jane is someone i treasure most in school. another person that listens to me alot and understands wad im going thru. she's been helping me since i entered poly. a smart ger that is not selfish, and willing to teach others. so jane must continue striving in wadever you do, and rem that u are not studying cos u have to. go, pursue ur dreams!!
5. jefferson - jeff is a person that i used to treasure alot alot. someone that used to be closest to me, but now furthest away from me. someone that led me to God. juz hope that u'll do well in wadever you do.

there are still good friends that i enjoy being with. ppl like rubez, carolyn, candice, cynthia, jocelyn etc.... thank God for everyone... =DD

WORDS THAT I COULDNT SPEAK OUT OF MY MOUTH..!
guess im moody this few days. wad can i say, wad should i say. thinking alot. trying hard to smile when my heart doesnt even feel like smiling. its quite painful. i wanted alot more, i dun wanna stay where i m now. Lord empower me, i needed so much strength to get myself moving. juz a little more motivation, to move my feets. i need more courage to speak the words i wan to. im quite worned out. so many things are happening around me, but i juz felt that there's nothing i could do. i wanna impact others not merely sitting down and watch things go by.

- here is my heart, make it ur sanctuary, for nobody else, but Jesus only You.
- show me how to live; teach me how to pray.
- take a look at our hearts, mould it refine it.

another week has past. time juz flies so quickly.. this whole week has been quite happening i guess? so many things happening... so many emotions that i dunno where to start from. guess im juz a lil tired, wanting for a break. if only i could enjoy myself w/o having the need of worrying for anythingg.

there are so many things im worried about:
1. my studies. i dun seem to be doing well. esp when in school, my group members are those that are really hardworking. sometimes i juz felt as thou im pushed to the limit. there's nv ending work, and i nv had a chance to breathe. no matter how hard i tried, i seem to be like an disappointment to them.
2. my cg. i really wanna noe wad i could do to bring the ppl together.. sometimes it can really be super discouraging cos the ppl dun even feel like fellowshippin with each another. and i got this feeling like im starting to draw away from them. i love my cg, but i come to a point that i feel like giving up cos its really tiring. someone told me that this cg is no longer like a whole, but individuals. hmm i do noe, i can c, im trying to put it back. i need time, and i need the cooperation of the whole cg. i cant be doing this alone.
3. jia's operation. his operation is juz 3days away. somehow im worried, i juz prayed that everything will go smoothly. thou its juz a minor one, but there's risk in every operation. seen ppl in and out of the operation theatre so many times. i dun wan anything to go wrong, esp to someone close to me.
4. my frenship with jeff. its over i guess. we have made ourselves clear that we'll not do anything to make it better. i mean it hasnt been well for the past 10months. im more afraid abt seeing him in school, in class. most prob it'll really be super weird cos of such bad ending.
5. my missions. firstly im supposed to have got my notice board done a month ago. but i delayed it all the way till now, and its not done yet. i guess i juz didnt have the time to do it. secondly for the outreach, im not able to get any friends or walk ins. i have been trying hard to invite my frenz. im afraid im a disappointment to bro mj.

hmm its been almost one week since the last time i update.
tuesday was prayer meeting day. alot of things happened juz in one day. ppl get irritated and stuff. i screamed at andrew. guess it's juz a bad day for most of the ppl.
wednesday was chinpor's bday. most of the n239 ppl went down to celebrate for him.shared a garfield with jia for him. went to pizza hut to eat cos its his fave food. darling came down to look for me awhile then went off le. i stayed for awhile more then took train home with shiwei.
thursday went with jane to clementi to shop abit. lol. then saiko jane. ended up she bought 2 pairs of shoes. hahaa..
friday darling came over to my house. she's doing some stuff for her cg ppl, and im doing for my notice board. drew a PRAYERS list using one hour of my time. think its really quite long. =XX
saturday met shiwei to go eat lunch at meridian there. we ate korean food, then went over to ps to shop abit. rushed off to bro mj's hse after that. was late by 45min. took one stupid bus 16. din noe it will make stupid turns. met jia at bro mj's hse then we took the notice board and head to svc. after svc went bugis to fellowship. dint really eat much cos no appetite.
sunday met shiwei for lunch at paya lebar and ate kfc. then attended cg. after cg half of my cg went to parkway there to fellowship. played pool. tag team together with jia against zy and huiying.

this week guess was quite a sad week for me. too many things happened. i can understand wad darling is going thru now. cos im going thru the same things too. i can to there to encourage her but i realise i myself can be quite discouraged. but i cant give up, can i? ppl ard me will not let me to i guess. its really stressingg. =(

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Quality Time
with a secondary love language being
Physical Touch.

Complete set of results

Quality Time:		11
Physical Touch:		5
Receiving Gifts:		5
Words of Affirmation:		5
Acts of Service:		4

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

sometimes i really dun understand my dad... he can really be ridiculous. he always have something to comment and stuff.. i mean even for the things that are right, he can turn things round and claim that it is wrongg. wad m i do man? one day, juz become so spoilt because he wans to spoil it. there's seriously nothing i can do about it, cos im living in his house, im under his control. like wad pst kong said "house is the place of control". been thinking why do we get scolded for the things we didnt do wrong? can i stand up for my own rights?? tried to, everytime the only thing i get back is dun tell me RUBBISH!! why can he start changing his mindset abt things? muz he be so cruel in his words... sighhh.....

today lei. din haf a very good day. was late for school for abt 20min. was super tired the whole day lorr. first lesson, had to do group work. how nice, its with jeff? hmmm wads new anyway, it always happen. second lesson practical... guess its the worse lesson of the whole week. we are practically like wasting our time there. have abt one hr of briefing, taking readings every 5min for continuously 2hrs+, and another 30min of briefing... its feel worse esp when im having a real terrible headache!! my friends told me i look real white. most prob due to the lack of oxygen, and the heat! made to hide at one corner so there's minimal ventilation. gotta ask SP to re-evaluate their school premises or sooner students might die there. lol. crap for the day.. XDDD

ytd went for cgm.
atmosphere was quite bad. esp during praise and worship, everyone seems quite reluncant to sing. it so quiet thou there are abt 20ppl there. bro mh felt it too...
the first half of the worship, really couldnt feel the presence of God.. then i press on and on, the presence of God suddenly flow thru me, and i started to tear.
svc n cg are the place where i really experience His presence most. while looking for the walk-ins, i miss a few praise and worship sessions. this is the period where i knew in my heart how impt it is to praise and worship God. it really feels weird when u couldnt do so...
after cg, actually wanted to fellowship and eat at the foodcourt. but ended up when we reached the foodcourt, the gers start saying that they wanna go to huiying's hse. the guys dunno where they wanna go. jia went home, i got quite fed up and went home too. sometimes juz felt that n239 juz gotta be more organised!!! there isnt any bond betw the cg, which is something really badd. its really hard to handle one cg where the cg does not wanna flow with u, and all they could think abt is themselves. i mean arent we supposed to be a family, arent we supposed to stay together as one?? im tiredd, really tiredd!
when everyone left, i took a cab home. waited for the bus but it din wanna come, and i wasnt in the rite mood for waitingg.
talked to jia online almost the whole night. like from 6pm to 3am? thats long rite? talked abt cg, etcc... he told me abt something (guess darling will noe wad im toking abt) which was really quite saddeningg. i sat there, i cried. he is like my pillar, supporting me... couldnt imagine how it would be like if that really happens.
then at night very funny, he come and nag at me.. but he kana say back.. so JIAHUI U BETTER BEHAVE!!!!

saturday 071006
went to bro mj's house for discipleship session at 3.
was late by 10min. took bus there. din noe that from my house to bro mj hse need abt 1hr plus...
after tat we all took taxi chiong down to expo for svc.
din really hunt for walk in today.
felt that God was speaking to me NEXT WEEK.
so i went back to the hall and praise and worship God.
atmosphere was quite good.. then we lay hands on those whose families are going thru sickness and prayed for them.
wanted to pray for someone, but ended up never. hmmm.
svc finish le i chiong to take taxi to my uncle's place cos they celebrating mooncake festival. but nv really eat.. wasnt in the mood to.
reached home at almost 12am.
was chatting with jia while trying hard to get my songsheet done.
ended up only completedd it at 3plus am. poor jia acc me all the way...
4am, yuezhe sms me. lol. dunno wad he doing till so late.
thank God for the great friends around me.
thank God for those that try so hard to irritate me... =PP

din attend school ytd due to some personal reasons.
met andrew and zhixian at bugis for lunch.
walked ard and i made a new friend called weiting at seiyu.
she's working there part time. a 17 year old ger. quite cute de.
zhixian go to work, then we went over to ps to meet jia. watched a movie called STAY ALIVE.
its a stupid movie! al thanks to andrew. wads so nice abt watching a sadistic show where ppl die one after another.
after that i went to meet up with bren for a while, then got introduced to her gf called felina.
andrew go to meet up with erica. then i n jia went over to cine to eat long john.
met up with shiwei to go home together.
when i reach home daddy quite angry cos i recently everyday oso reach home late.. =XX

hmm. today lei. im in school again doing FYP.
im starting to hate the things that are going on around me.
u noe, so many things to worry abt. so many issues in my life.
i wanted to take a break to all of this, but perhaps its impossible.
i juz gotta go on.
chatted with jia online ytd. somehow breakdown and cried.
its been a long time since i last did that.
juz felt quite empty within me. i need to pray i guess.
told him that im like a wall without supports.
he said i got n239, i got him, i got chenli...
is things juz this simple? i noe i got certain ppl tat i really treasure ard me, and they are always there.
thank God for them... m i blessed? maybee....

today never attend first lesson. reached school only at 11.
had lunch at pizza hut in school. jia, zy, andrew, zhixian came to sch to acc me eat lunch. din expect some many ppl cos i only told jia n zy. (-.-"
went for this ISPE talk. compulsory? supposed to end at 530. but it ended at 4 insteadd.. :DDD
went down to city hall to look for jia. got xueni a present, a bag. the bag quite interestingg cos can choose the different parts and then put them together.
got one waffle ice-cream at gelare for jia to eat. xueni, candice, sam came to join us.
happen to c jocelyn walk past then she came over talk talk for awhile.
after that went to kbox. stayed there from 630 to 1030. its jia's first time. then we sabo him make him sing. he like so paisehh, but actually he sing very well lorr. so dun need to maluu!!!!
daddy gave me alot of miss calls cos im home late. almost 30miss calls.
took a cab home.
now jia, zy, xueni is at esplanade. hmm wished im theree.
jia come suan me say will send all the photos to me..
how nice of him hur?? XDDDD

was looking at all my photos juz now in my com.
realised i took alot of photos. there's a total of abt 4000...
so many memoriess. with so many different ppl.
thinking did i change? i guess i did.
i no longer look or is the same meiyin that i used to be one year ago.
perhaps i've grown, like wad carol said, spiritually n emotionally.
but is it a good thing? i realised that certain people who used to be close to me have alr drifted away.
i tend to wan to be with spiritual ppl, ppl who will help me grow.
i miss some of my friends, i wished we kept in touch.
our smiless that we gave to each another.. i wanna c them once againn... =(

monday (021006)
had a very tiring day,esp when school starts at 8am.
the whole morning juz felt as thou my eyes couldnt open.
after that went over to kfc to eat lunch. actually wanted to eat pizza hut, but nv open.
reached home at abt 330 and went for a nap.
andrew came to fetch me at 545, then we reached suntec at abt 6.
we bought small stuff to eat. teriyaki chicken, quail egg, scallop.
he got a b&j icecream free of charge by the manager there.
then he bought me a new pouch.
soon zhiyan, huiying, weikiat, shiwei, benjamin and chinpor came to join us.
we went to sakae to eat. din eat alot cos not hungryy.
fellowship at b&j again. this time he bought me a BERRY BERRY EXTRAORDINARY icecream.
went to play at the fountain of wealth there then we went home, in taxi again.
disturbed jia almost the whole day. he said something to me, that i shld stop going out with some ppl cos later they get the wrong signal then die le.

tuesday (031006)
today went to school and had to present a sudden presentation. so practically presented it by faith. the lesson ended 45min early so got almost 2hrs of break.
went to eat crispy noodle with yvn, then we watched this korean show called DELIGHTFUL GIRL. the show very nice, and the ger and guy very pretty n handsome.
had a bad headache, then pon one hour lesson to go home and rest.
supposed to meet andrew at bugis, but i told him that i needa go home to eat dinner which i originally intended to do.
ended up met jia at clementi to eat dinner.
hmm jia cut his hair, then look very funny.. so i keep disturbing him. he cut away his two sides and leave his fringe long long de. =XX
ate at sumo house. the food not very nice. like a bit waste money.
met shiwei. we went to buy some stuff at ntuc and bookshop. homee~

shall upload some photos soon.. =DD

saturday (300906)
met up with jia at tm at 11am.
the both of us reached at the same time, the only diff is that we came from diff entrances. hahaaa..
went to shop shop around, bought hugo boss perfume for andrew. the both of us got free sample. heee.
met up with andrew, zhixian, er-yi, huiying at bedok at 12pm.
blessed huiying with fried kway teow and longan water.
left at 1240 to go bro mj's hse cos he needed someone to be in his house from 1 to 3 to wait for sis serena cos she having make up cg there but bro mj need to leave for expo.
jia went together with me. waited for the taxi to come. raining super heavy. got so drenched. bro mj very nice, he help me to dry my shirt using dryer.
after bro mj left, the hse only left me and jia. stoned, stoned, stonedd!!!! jia taught abit of playing guitar. then he play songs, i sit there enjoy music.
sis serena reached at 245, we headed to andrew's chalet. walk in the rain for abt 30min, no shelter. =XX
reached andrew chalet, then bathed there. cannot tahan cos sticky sticky de.
took taxi down to expo for svc. svc was abt history of chc. interestingg.
met up with chloe after svc then we bought cake for andrew.
chalet didnt go as expected, certain ppl get disappointed,etc. thank God it's over and i pray such things wont happen again.

friday (290906)
finally back to FYP, continued with our expt.
stayed there from 10am to about 4pm.
after that chiong home to take my bible and off to boon lay to meet up with sam at 5 to crash w384's cg at desmond's hse..
went there for a few reasons la.
firstly, wanted to be soaked in God's presence. too many things have been happening. secondly, went there to build atmosphere for the cg. thirdly, i wanted to spend some time fellowshipping with those ex-n239 members. haven really been able to fellowship with them ever since we multiplied.
cg was good, the presence of God was strong thou there is not a lot of ppl, abt 9? msg was about the 5 languages of love.
read darling's blog. realised that the both of us have the same languages of love, words of affirmation and quality time. =PP
after cg, fellowshipped awhile then took a taxi to lot 1 to meet jia for dinner.
meeting him is really quite interesting. went to walk walk first then headed to foodcourt to eat, and we got to fight for who is going to help buy the food, since the both of us volunteered our services to each another. hahaa.
ate yong tau fu. wanted to eat honeydew sago but dun haf le, so jia ordered soursop ice jelly then we share. bought jia a cup of honeydew milk tea, then i drink honey milk tea.
spent alot of time talking to him, then we shared alot of personal tots and feeling abt certain things, the fears we faced, etc. find that he's really a person that im comfortable talking to.
play hp, send pix and songs to each other, taking pix. esp when its 10pm. hahaa. quite boliao i guess.
reached home almost 11. settled some stuff for bro mj and for the chalet, end up trouble jia with the songsheet. cos of that, made him slp at 4. quite guiltyy..
hmm guess jia's more than juz a normal fren, a close fren that i'll treasure. :)