disintegrate

hmm im in school now.
nv attend any lessonns today.
juz rotting inside the lib.

things are getting from bad to worse.
at least for me. sigh
think once again im putting myself into diappointment.
disappointment over disappointment.
which really made me dun even feel like doing anything.
sighh...dun feel like going to school, dun feel like eating, dun feel like watching tv...
once again im negative, so negative.
maybe like wad jeff said.i haven changed a single bit,for the past two years.
isnt that so sad.my spiritual life hasnt been very stable.
im losing the fire and being on fire time to time
juz like some kind of stock market.
when m i ever gonna change.

cell group last week toked abt HANDLING DISAPPOINTMENT
ya i really think its a message for me, so for me.
its about how two person, michal and bathesheba, handled their disappointment which led them to two diff ending.
for me, i feel that im like michal, so much into turning my disappointment into bitterness.
how am i supposed to transform to become like bathesheba?
i gonna start thinking everything in a very diff way!!!

there are 3 kinds of disappointment in life.
disappointment with things, people, and events.
think im definitely disappointed with things and people. maybe even events?
then we toked abt sharing our disappointment.
hmm so much i wanted to share, yet i dunno who i shld share to
even if someone's there, i probably wont even noe wad to say.
perhaps cos i prefer putting up a hard front.
or its juz becos i dun wanna cry in front of others.
its like so embarassing. its juz my ego...
arghh...

unstable me, indecisive me
its juz so me!!!
changing my decisions over and over again.
im juz so easily affected.
by the people and the things around me.
im so influenced by circumstances.
so many times i read my bible.
so many times god spoke to me abt things
yet im juz so disobedient. doing things in a diff way...
when m i going to ever learn!
i really feel like isolating myself,going to somewhere where noone can find me
carol told me thats wad the devil wans me to do.
and i found myself stuck most of the time, w/o knowing wad to do...

god help me.
teach me, heal me from all my pain.
im feeling so bad inside
cleanse me once again, remove that ugly me...
take away all my sins.and give me the right decisions to all the things around me.
when im weak, you are strong!