disintegrate

the look u gave me today.
wad did it actually mean?
the sympathy u haf for me? or the avoidance?
hmm think i've made a real great mistake last nite.
shouldnt have told u certain things.
things that will cos us to drift even further away from each another.
but al the pain, how i feel, i really wanted u to noe...

i feel so guilty.
feel that wad i did was so wrong...
saw u today. i couldnt even look into ur eyes.
cos somehow i fear. esp when u chose not to say anything
it really cos me to fear even more. not even noeing wad ya thinkingg.
i hid juz so that i wont c u.
thou my heart longs to c ur face, yet im full of guilt....

how i hoped i could be released from al this pain, hurts and suffering im goiing thru now.

you!
the one i truly love,
the one i wanted to hate,
the one i feared so much,
the one i only wanted.
but u're so farr.
way beyond where my hands can reach.
how long more can i last.
how long more before i'll breakdown.

everything i did was juz because i loved you so much.
for us. 6months of admiration, 1year of honeymoon days, and til now 7months of pain
how long more will this last?
is it worth it??? holding on for 7months???
definitely i noe of ppl who hold on to their rs longer than me.
ppl who held on to 2 years, 3 years?
im really wondering wads the strength that keep them going.
for me its God! He's my strength.....
God provided me with so much of His love, maybe its because of this that i can still love him till now.
a silent love, like God's love for me
someday he might understand.
i shall juz be his guardian angel for now.

carol said my blog is a testimony for love?
hmm... its a good thing that i'll understand someday.
love only reminds me of jeff.
yet i dun think its something that is that good hur?
yupp i shld stop thinking of this rubbish
cos it only happens in dreams.

its time i needa wake up, and face reality
stop deluding myself in this wonderful dream that seems so real
but i chose to continue slping.
the world is too painful for me to accept.
its juz too complicated
i shall juz hide myself in my dreamland, with only me and jeff and God in the middle
beautiful flowers all ard, a small and cozy house on its own, birds chirping the melody of love...
wad a wonderful place it is...so peaceful...
all this only happens in dreamland...
i create the world i live in. and im able to choose wad i wan n not wan....
my imaginary place~~~